How my illness has changed me

 

I would like to be brutally honest: I am a bitter person. 

I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I have come to realize this fact and now I want to confront it head-on. I'm tired of being mean. I miss seeing the good in the world. 

There was a time where I was innocent and carefree, darn funny if I say so myself, and saw the world as a lot of opportunities waiting for me to snatch them. I think this year has changed me so much for the worse, and I hate it. 

I feel cheated out of what I can only describe as the "life I deserved to have." This is interesting because as a Christian I know that I deserve death and hell, in that order, for eternity. But the petty, sinful, human likes to think I deserved a really nice, ordinary life. 

The last year I have allowed myself to feel a lot of self-pity. I am tired of this. I think it made sense for a little bit to grieve the life I wish I could have, but now it's time to grow up and realize that there is more to life than feeling bad for myself. I'm done being a mean-spirited person. I'm done with being the person everyone who loves me feels like they have to walk on eggshells around. I'm ready to be kind, openhearted, gracious, and free. 

Even on my bad days, which are honestly not as bad as what so many people around the world experience, I am choosing to wake up and thank God for today. I'm challenging myself to realize that I am not entitled to an Instagram-perfect life and grow in the fruits of the spirit. 

This is all spurred by a question our friend asked us recently: what do I want to be remembered for? 

I want to be remembered as someone who was kind. As someone who prays for people. Who takes care of people and expects nothing in return. Who truly loves unconditionally.

And then I realized I was none of those things. I am further from those things than I have ever been. 

I want to change. Even on my worst days, I want to be remembered as someone who cared about other people. Truly cared. 

So I'm shedding my old skin. I'm asking for grace to grow as a person who loves people the way that Jesus loves them. Will you join me? 

Blessings,

Jessica